Pain and Love and Life

Alright, I know that anyone in the world can read this, but the probability of anyone important reading this is pretty small, and I simply have to say something, because, well, you'll see.

I managed to fall in love with a beautiful young woman, who, unfortunately, considers me "just a friend." I've known her for a little more than two years. I consider myself to have very good self-control, and I'd always figured I could deal with the emotional aspects by keeping them down. I have successfully kept lust on a very short leash. But love... that got out.

I didn't even realize how much I'd fallen until two weeks ago when, out of the blue, I started getting really antsy. We were discussing some future plans of hers, and I came out and told her I cared for her more than just as a friend. Didn't even mention that "love" word, but the effect was damn near the same.

Of course she refused.

And me? I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. I had no idea something could hurt that much. I don't remember the next 3 or 4 days. My boss had a big project for me, and that's all I did. I didn't eat. I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours. I slept on the floor at the office, because I didn't want my family to know. I went through every stage; suicidal, burn everything, expunge all evidence of her existance from my life, everything.

I didn't cry, although writing about it is pretty strong for me right now.

Now, 16 days later, I'm back to eating 3 meals a day. I can sleep. I went to church this morning for the first time in years. I have some new clothes in the wash. I've cleaned up my living space. I feel more or less normal.

But, I've changed. My bosses noticed. I'm stronger. More confident. I'm two weeks into a mustache. Strange what pain does.

The wierd part is that I'm not really sure what I was asking for. Certainly not marriage, because I'm not ready for it, and won't be for some time. Sex? I've defined that part of my life pretty well, and I could count the times I've felt lust for her on the fingers of one hand. I would welcome it, but I wasn't asking for it. So what was I asking for? I don't know. Maybe just acknowledgement of love.

So now I'm just moving along. I've managed not to do anything drastic or stupid so far.

Hurt and move on.

And I know that she does have feeling for me. I've written enough now, but she definitely shares a similar feeling for me, for certain. I just picked up on it a bit quicker.

I'm going to be speaking with her sometime in the next couple days. Our paths will either split or entwine. My prayer is, "This God, or better."