Calm

The calm after the storm. I can think about Heidi and not break down. I called in to work and told them I was taking a day off. Time to sleep, and recuperate. I feel like I'm jump-starting my emotional machinery. I woke up silent and flat. Then at breakfast there was a flash of irritation, and that felt really, really good. The food was good, and I was hungry. Warm fire. Now, I'm sleepy. New chapter.

The tarot readings pointed to sorrow, over and over and over. 5 of Cups and 5 of Swords. So now, I have tasted the 5 of Cups. The 5 of Swords hasn't come to pass as yet. I will wait, and be careful and cautious and wise. Gentle. Considering the intensity of the 5 of Cups, I think the 5 of Swords will be a serious challenge. I do not wish to hurt Heidi. Actually, I do, sortof. "She wants to turn me away, well!" Not a good thing. I need to calm and meditate and be careful.

It's Over

It's over. I needed some help, but I'm out. Don't call.

Tears

I went to my usual violin lesson, and was surprised to see Heidi show up towards the end of my lesson. I had thought she would be coming next week. I went into shock, literally. My legs gave out, my hearing and vision started to ring, and I started blacking out. I kneeled, and had to ask my teacher to repeat himself several times, but I finally got myself back together before Heidi came in the door.

Afterwards, I went to Starbucks in the hopes of talking to her, but she evidently went straight home.

I went home and had a long talk about the matter with my parents. My father confirmed my so-so dowsing readings. Basically, she's a good friend (75 percent), but as far as soul mate, children, and anything deeper than friends, it ranges 0 to 17 percent. If it were higher, I'd be chasing her. Since it's not, I'm cutting her out of my heart. I asked my mother to help, and she did. I bawled my eyes out. Now...I'm just kinda quiet. I'm going to remove any and all vestiges of Heidi from my world. Her gifts go in a box, and I'm going to move on. As much as it hurts, she's not worth pursuing. I don't know why, but I am making my choice and I have faith that I will be happy for it.

The Slow Death

I'm probably going to edit this later, but oh well. Gotta write something, since I daren't speak to anyone right now.

Heidi showed up at the end of my violin lesson. Normal, since she has been taking violin lessons regularly. I didn't expect her until next week, but that's fine.

Or so I thought.

When I saw the brakelights of her car on the street outside, I went into shock. My legs gave out, and I had to sit down. My ears started ringing, my vison narrowed, and of course my heart rate went through the roof. It was a couple minutes before I could comprehend my violin instructor again.

Fortunately, she waiting a few minutes before coming in, so I had a little time to compose myself. But, then I barely even said hello. From her perspective, I was quite rude.

What can I do? How can I make this stop? Even now, 25 minutes later, my hands are shaking and I can't think straight. Unreal. It just can't keep getting worse like this. I have no clue what I'm doing or how to safely ride it out.

Moving Carefully

I spoke with her last Tuesday night. I told her I loved her, but that I couldn't hang out with her unless she felt at least somewhat similarly to me. I actually said more, but it was all gentle, and I did say the above clearly without obfuscation.

The next day, I felt cocky. "Why didn't I do this 3 weeks ago?" Thursday, I felt down a bit. My boss said I'd feel better "tomorrow," but today I was downright depressed. Seriously, painfully, gruesomely depressed. Whenever I'm not working, my thoughts drift back to that beautiful woman.

Some points from the conversation,

"That's not love," in response to the magical "I love you." Well, I do love you. This is definitely love. I just wish I'd told you sooner and more gently. Sometimes you don't realize what you've got until it's gone. I didn't realize I was really and truely in love until you were going away from me.

"I don't understand how you could love me," a little bit later. When you wake up and you're all crabby and your hair is mussed up like a halo around your shoulders, I want to run a comb through your hair while the fresh coffee steams up the window, and kiss you, "Good morning, Heidi."

It's not the perfect chord progression that makes a song beautiful, it's the accidental. Love is a strange thing, and I do love you, Heidi. You have a little edge of danger, like you could reach into the pleasure of pain without too much effort. You have little imperfections, like pearls in an oyster. I treasure them. I have them too, you know.

"I just want to go back to the friendly banter," towards the end. What can I say? Sometimes it takes a shot of pain to make me treat a person casually. I have long political arguments with your mother, but only the pain of someone upfront and personal like that opened me up to her. Banter with you will probably come a lot more easily now that I feel like I've been "Shot through the heart..."

I'm changing. The pain I felt from breaking away from you is changing my personality. The next person I meet will meet a different person than you met. Tonight at the dance, a girl playfully shoved me as I was going out the door, and I shoved back. Not angrily, but playfully. Where did that come from? She's undergone a transformation like mine from mousy homeschooler to assertive woman. But me, I'm changing fast, and I'm a little scared. I don't want to be mean or bitter or angry. I want to be assertive and playful and strong and loving and gentle.

I love to hold you up when you're down, and I know you try to hold me up when I drift low. I want to take you down to the beach, I want to take you into the parts of my life you don't know about. I love you, Heidi.

And I know you want to leave this area. I respect that, and will not hold you back. If I can let you go now, when I work for your mother, go to the same music teacher, attend the same karate school, and have an 90 percent interest match, then I know I can say goodbye when you travel to London. Heck, if you'll have me, I'll move too, especially if the political situation changes like it looks to be doing soon.

I love you, Heidi. I denied it for too long, saying we could only be friends. I should have known better.

I have tremendous self control. You may not have ever realized that I felt for you. I didn't call during the past weeks because my control broke. And when I came to your house to talk with you, my control was with me. But afterwards, it broke. I cried. I sat in the car for a long time. My friends told me not to beg. I didn't. But it was so hard, talking to you. So incredibly hard to look you in the eyes and rip my heart out and tell you I couldn't be around you.

I love you, Heidi. But if you won't come to me, I will walk away. I am, after all, very strong, and I set my path with firm resolution.

Pain and Love and Life

Alright, I know that anyone in the world can read this, but the probability of anyone important reading this is pretty small, and I simply have to say something, because, well, you'll see.

I managed to fall in love with a beautiful young woman, who, unfortunately, considers me "just a friend." I've known her for a little more than two years. I consider myself to have very good self-control, and I'd always figured I could deal with the emotional aspects by keeping them down. I have successfully kept lust on a very short leash. But love... that got out.

I didn't even realize how much I'd fallen until two weeks ago when, out of the blue, I started getting really antsy. We were discussing some future plans of hers, and I came out and told her I cared for her more than just as a friend. Didn't even mention that "love" word, but the effect was damn near the same.

Of course she refused.

And me? I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. I had no idea something could hurt that much. I don't remember the next 3 or 4 days. My boss had a big project for me, and that's all I did. I didn't eat. I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours. I slept on the floor at the office, because I didn't want my family to know. I went through every stage; suicidal, burn everything, expunge all evidence of her existance from my life, everything.

I didn't cry, although writing about it is pretty strong for me right now.

Now, 16 days later, I'm back to eating 3 meals a day. I can sleep. I went to church this morning for the first time in years. I have some new clothes in the wash. I've cleaned up my living space. I feel more or less normal.

But, I've changed. My bosses noticed. I'm stronger. More confident. I'm two weeks into a mustache. Strange what pain does.

The wierd part is that I'm not really sure what I was asking for. Certainly not marriage, because I'm not ready for it, and won't be for some time. Sex? I've defined that part of my life pretty well, and I could count the times I've felt lust for her on the fingers of one hand. I would welcome it, but I wasn't asking for it. So what was I asking for? I don't know. Maybe just acknowledgement of love.

So now I'm just moving along. I've managed not to do anything drastic or stupid so far.

Hurt and move on.

And I know that she does have feeling for me. I've written enough now, but she definitely shares a similar feeling for me, for certain. I just picked up on it a bit quicker.

I'm going to be speaking with her sometime in the next couple days. Our paths will either split or entwine. My prayer is, "This God, or better."

Life Flow

In my martial arts training, I've gone through several stages. I've done the 11-classes-a-week routine. I've done the "I'm too lazy to even think about going" routine. I've gone through periods of wanted to quit, and almost quitting, and months away from the dojo.

But now, I just take it as it comes. One class, two classes, relax, move, pushups, stretching, keep track of the kids.

Is that lazy? Or wise?

I like it.